Trauma and Mental Health: Signs of Trauma and How to Heal
Let me start by saying something you might need to hear: your trauma counts. Your pain matters. Whatever happened to you - whether it was "big T" trauma like abuse or accidents, or "little t" trauma like emotional neglect, chronic criticism, or growing up feeling like you were never quite enough - it left an impact on you, and that impact deserves attention, care, and healing.
I know this might feel hard to accept, especially if you've spent years telling yourself that others had it worse, that you should be grateful, that you're being dramatic, or that you should just "get over it" by now. But here's what I need you to understand: trauma isn't a competition. Pain isn't a hierarchy. And the fact that someone else's experience was different or "worse" doesn't make your experience less real or less worthy of healing.
What I see over and over in my work is something I call the "worthiness wound" - the deep belief that our pain doesn't matter enough, that we don't deserve help, that we should be able to handle everything on our own. This wound often causes more ongoing damage than the original trauma because it prevents us from seeking the support and healing we desperately need.
If you've been carrying pain, struggling with patterns you can't quite understand, or feeling like something is "wrong" with you but you can't put your finger on what - this is for you. Your experience matters. Your healing matters. And you deserve to live a life not defined by what happened to you, but by who you choose to become.
What is Trauma: Understanding Different Types of Trauma
When most people hear the word "trauma," they think of dramatic, obvious events - car accidents, natural disasters, physical or sexual abuse, war, or violence. These are absolutely traumatic experiences that deserve recognition and treatment. But trauma is much broader than these "big T" traumas.
Trauma is anything that overwhelmed your nervous system's ability to cope and left you feeling helpless, alone, or unsafe. This includes what we call "little t" traumas or developmental trauma:
Growing up with a parent who was emotionally unavailable, depressed, or overwhelmed
Being repeatedly criticized, dismissed, or made to feel like your emotions were "too much"
Experiencing chronic stress in your household - financial strain, parents fighting, addiction, mental illness
Being bullied or excluded by peers during critical developmental years
Medical procedures or hospitalizations, especially as a child
Moving frequently or experiencing instability in your living situation
Having a parent who was physically present but emotionally absent
Growing up in a family where love felt conditional on your performance or behavior
Experiencing racism, discrimination, or systemic oppression
Being raised by parents who were themselves traumatized and unable to provide emotional safety
Here's what's crucial to understand: your nervous system doesn't distinguish between "big" and "little" trauma. If it felt overwhelming to you at the time - especially as a child when you had fewer resources to cope - it was traumatic. Period.
Childhood Trauma Effects: The Worthiness Wound and Why We Dismiss Our Pain
One of the most damaging effects of trauma, especially developmental trauma, is that it teaches us our pain doesn't matter. Maybe you learned this directly through messages like "stop crying," "you're being too sensitive," or "other people have it worse." Or maybe you learned it indirectly by watching the adults around you struggle with their own pain while trying to appear strong.
The worthiness wound shows up in thoughts like:
"I shouldn't complain - others have it so much worse"
"I had a roof over my head and food on the table, so I can't have trauma"
"My parents did their best, so I shouldn't be upset about anything"
"I'm being dramatic or attention-seeking if I talk about this"
"I should be over this by now"
"I'm weak if I need help"
This wound keeps us stuck because it prevents us from acknowledging our pain, seeking support, and doing the work necessary to heal. We end up carrying the original trauma PLUS the additional burden of shame about having trauma in the first place.
But here's the truth: your pain doesn't need to be "bad enough" to deserve attention. You don't need to have suffered more than someone else to deserve healing. You don't need to justify your struggles or prove that your childhood was "traumatic enough" to warrant care.
If you're struggling, that's enough. If something is affecting your mental health, your relationships, or your quality of life, that's enough. You deserve support not because your trauma was severe enough, but because you're human and humans deserve care.
Signs of Childhood Trauma in Adults: How Trauma Actually Affects Your Life
Trauma doesn't just create painful memories - it changes how your brain and nervous system function. Understanding these changes can help you have compassion for yourself and recognize that your struggles aren't character flaws or personal failings.
How Trauma Changes Your Brain
Hypervigilance and the overactive alarm system. Trauma teaches your brain that the world is dangerous and you need to constantly scan for threats. This might show up as difficulty relaxing, always expecting the worst, or feeling anxious in situations that others find normal.
Emotional dysregulation. When your nervous system was overwhelmed, especially as a child, you might not have learned healthy ways to manage big emotions. This can lead to feeling overwhelmed by feelings, having intense reactions to small triggers, or swinging between emotional numbness and being flooded with emotion.
Memory and concentration issues. Trauma affects the hippocampus, which processes memory, leading to difficulty concentrating, memory gaps, or intrusive memories that seem to come out of nowhere.
Disconnection from your body. To survive overwhelming experiences, many people learn to disconnect from their physical sensations. This can show up as difficulty knowing what you need, ignoring hunger or fatigue, or feeling "numb" in your body.
How Trauma Affects Relationships: Trauma and Relationship Patterns
Difficulty trusting others. If early relationships taught you that people aren't safe or reliable, it makes sense that trust would be challenging. You might find yourself expecting people to leave, hurt you, or disappoint you.
Fear of abandonment or engulfment. You might desperately want close relationships but also fear getting too close. Or you might push people away before they can hurt you, creating the very abandonment you're trying to avoid.
People-pleasing or conflict avoidance. If you learned that your safety depended on keeping others happy, you might struggle to set boundaries, express your needs, or handle conflict in healthy ways.
Difficulty with intimacy. True intimacy requires vulnerability, which can feel terrifying if vulnerability was met with judgment, dismissal, or harm in the past.
How Trauma Affects Your Sense of Self
Chronic shame and self-criticism. Trauma often comes with the message that something is wrong with you. This can lead to a harsh inner critic that's constantly finding fault and a deep sense of shame about who you are.
Perfectionism and overachieving. If you learned that love was conditional on your performance, you might drive yourself relentlessly trying to be "good enough" to earn love and acceptance.
Difficulty knowing your own needs and wants. If your emotions and needs were consistently dismissed or ignored, you might have learned to ignore them yourself, leaving you feeling lost about what you actually want or need.
Feeling like you don't belong. Trauma can create a deep sense of being different, damaged, or fundamentally flawed compared to others.
Physical Effects of Trauma
Chronic health issues. Trauma is stored in the body and can manifest as chronic pain, autoimmune issues, digestive problems, headaches, or other unexplained physical symptoms.
Sleep disturbances. Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or feeling rested, often due to hypervigilance or intrusive thoughts.
Fatigue and exhaustion. Living in a constant state of alert is exhausting. Many trauma survivors struggle with chronic fatigue.
Substance use or addictive behaviors. Alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, work, or other behaviors might be used to numb emotional pain or regulate an overwhelmed nervous system.
How to Heal from Trauma: Breaking the Silence and Finding Healing
One of the most important things to understand about trauma is that it thrives in isolation and shame, but it heals in connection and understanding. Trauma often comes with the message "don't talk about this," "this is shameful," or "no one would understand." But keeping trauma locked away actually perpetuates its power over your life.
Here's why talking about trauma is so important:
Trauma loses its power when it's brought into the light. When you share your story with someone who responds with compassion and understanding, the shame and isolation that often accompany trauma begin to dissolve.
You realize you're not alone. So many people carry similar wounds, and connecting with others who understand can be profoundly healing.
You can begin to make sense of your experiences. Often, trauma symptoms don't make sense until you understand them in the context of what you've been through. This understanding can be incredibly validating and freeing.
You can develop new ways of relating to your story. Instead of seeing yourself as damaged or broken, you can begin to see yourself as someone who survived difficult experiences and is now choosing to heal.
Trauma Recovery Steps: What Healing Actually Looks Like
Healing from trauma isn't about "getting over it" or returning to who you were before - it's about integrating your experiences and developing new ways of being in the world that feel safe and authentic. This process is rarely linear, and it looks different for everyone.
Professional Support: Finding the Right Help
Trauma-informed therapy. Working with a therapist who understands trauma can provide a safe space to process your experiences and develop new coping skills. Different approaches work for different people:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) helps process traumatic memories so they're less emotionally charged
Somatic therapy focuses on healing trauma stored in the body through movement and awareness
Internal Family Systems (IFS) helps you understand and heal different parts of yourself
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps change thought patterns and behaviors
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) teaches emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills
The most important thing is finding a therapist you feel safe with - someone who doesn't rush you, judge you, or try to convince you that your experiences weren't "that bad."
Building Safety in Your Body
Nervous system regulation. Learning to calm your nervous system is crucial for trauma healing. This might include breathwork, meditation, yoga, or other somatic practices.
Grounding techniques. When you're feeling overwhelmed or triggered, grounding techniques can help you return to the present moment. This might be as simple as feeling your feet on the floor, naming things you can see around you, or holding a cold object.
Movement and embodiment. Gentle movement can help release trauma stored in the body. This doesn't have to be intense exercise - it could be stretching, dancing, walking, or any movement that feels good to you.
Rebuilding Your Relationship with Yourself
Self-compassion practice. Learning to treat yourself with the same kindness you'd show a good friend is often revolutionary for trauma survivors. This means speaking to yourself gently, acknowledging your pain without judgment, and recognizing your strength in surviving difficult experiences.
Boundary setting. Trauma often involves boundary violations, so learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial for healing. This includes saying no to things that don't feel good and yes to things that support your well-being.
Rediscovering your authentic self. Trauma can disconnect you from your true desires, values, and identity. Healing involves slowly rediscovering who you are underneath the adaptations you made to survive.
Creating Healthy Relationships
Learning to trust yourself. Before you can fully trust others, you need to learn to trust your own perceptions, feelings, and instincts. Trauma often involves gaslighting or invalidation, so rebuilding self-trust is essential.
Communicating your needs. Practice expressing what you need and want in relationships, even if it feels scary at first. Start small with low-stakes situations and build your confidence over time.
Choosing supportive people. As you heal, you might find that some relationships no longer serve you. This is normal and healthy - you're not obligated to maintain relationships that consistently leave you feeling drained or invalidated.
Self-Compassion for Trauma: The Foundation of Healing
Perhaps the most important element in trauma healing is developing genuine self-compassion. This means:
Acknowledging your pain without minimizing it. Your hurt matters, regardless of what anyone else has been through. You can acknowledge others' pain while also honoring your own.
Recognizing your strength. You survived. You're here. You're seeking healing. That takes incredible courage and resilience.
Being patient with the process. Healing isn't linear. You'll have good days and hard days. Progress isn't always visible, and setbacks don't mean you're failing.
Celebrating small victories. Maybe you set a boundary. Maybe you asked for help. Maybe you had a day without overwhelming anxiety. These matter.
Forgiving yourself for survival strategies. Whatever you did to cope and survive made sense at the time. You don't need to judge yourself for how you protected yourself when you didn't have other options.
When Professional Support Becomes Essential
While self-help and personal growth work can be valuable, trauma often requires professional support to heal fully. Consider seeking help if:
You're having intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, or nightmares
You're struggling with depression, anxiety, or other mental health symptoms
You're using substances or behaviors to cope in ways that concern you
Your relationships are consistently difficult or painful
You're having thoughts of self-harm or suicide
You feel stuck despite your best efforts to heal on your own
Remember: seeking help isn't a sign of weakness - it's a sign of wisdom and self-care.
Rewriting Your Story: From Survivor to Thriver
Healing from trauma doesn't mean forgetting what happened or pretending it doesn't matter. It means integrating your experiences in a way that allows you to live fully in the present rather than being controlled by the past.
Your trauma is part of your story, but it's not the whole story. You are not broken. You are not damaged goods. You are not "too much" or "not enough." You are a human being who experienced difficult things and is now choosing to heal.
This healing - your healing - matters not just for you, but for everyone whose life you touch. When you heal, you break cycles. You model something different. You show others that it's possible to transform pain into purpose, wounds into wisdom.
The world needs your healed heart. Your family needs your authentic presence. Your community needs your unique gifts. And you deserve to experience the peace, joy, and connection that are your birthright.
Healing is possible. You are worthy of it. And you don't have to do it alone.
š© Ready to begin or deepen your healing journey with compassionate, trauma-informed support? Let's work together to gently process your experiences, rebuild your sense of safety, and help you reclaim your authentic self. Book your free consultation here
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I'm Rae Francis, and I understand what it's like to carry pain that others might not see or understand. As a therapist specializing in trauma recovery and the author of "It's OK to Ugly Cry," I've spent over 16 years helping individuals heal from both "big T" and "little t" traumas. I believe deeply that your pain matters - not because it's worse than someone else's, but because it's yours. Using trauma-informed approaches that honor both your strength and your vulnerability, I help people move from surviving to thriving, from being controlled by their past to being empowered in their present. Because you deserve to live a life defined not by what happened to you, but by who you choose to become. Learn more about working together.
