How to Repair Your Relationship Through Curiosity, Compassion, and Self-Awareness (And Why Curiosity Is the Secret to Lasting Intimacy)
After working with couples for over 16 years, I've noticed something that might surprise you: the strongest relationships aren't the ones without conflict - they're the ones where partners have learned to fight well.
More specifically, they're relationships where partners have discovered the profound power of curiosity during conflict.
Here's what I see happening in relationships that struggle: Two people who love each other deeply get stuck in cycles where they're more interested in being right than being connected. They stop wondering about each other's inner worlds and start assuming they know exactly what their partner is thinking, feeling, or intending.
And here's what I see in relationships that thrive: Two people who are endlessly curious about each other. They ask questions instead of making accusations. They wonder about their partner's experience instead of defending their own position. They treat conflict as an opportunity to understand each other more deeply.
The difference between these two approaches isn't just about communication techniques - it's about whether conflict becomes a source of connection or disconnection in your relationship.
Why We Stop Being Curious About Our Partners
Think about the early days of your relationship. Remember how fascinated you were by your partner's thoughts, feelings, and experiences? You probably asked dozens of questions: "What was your childhood like?" "How do you feel about that?" "What do you think when this happens?"
But somewhere along the way, many couples stop being curious about each other. Instead of wondering, we start assuming. Instead of asking, we start mind-reading. Instead of exploring, we start expecting.
This shift is understandable. The longer you're with someone, the more you think you know them. You've heard their stories. You've seen their patterns. You can predict their reactions.
But here's what I've learned: the moment we stop being curious about our partners is the moment we start losing them.
People are constantly evolving, healing, growing, and changing. The person you married five years ago has had thousands of new experiences since then. They've faced new challenges, developed new fears, discovered new strengths, and formed new perspectives.
When we assume we already know everything about our partner, we miss the opportunity to know who they're becoming.
More dangerously, when conflict arises, instead of getting curious about what's happening for our partner, we default to defensiveness, criticism, or withdrawal.
The Profound Intimacy That Comes from Navigating Conflict Well
Here's something most people don't realize: conflict handled with curiosity and care actually creates more intimacy than avoiding conflict altogether.
When you can be upset with your partner and still stay curious about their experience, you're demonstrating something profound: that your love is bigger than your hurt, that your commitment to understanding them is stronger than your need to be right.
When you can navigate disagreement without causing harm, you're building trust in the most powerful way possible. You're showing your partner that it's safe to be human with you - that they can have bad days, make mistakes, or see things differently without losing your love.
This is how couples build what I call "conflict confidence" - the deep knowing that you can weather storms together and emerge even more connected.
Research from Dr. John Gottman shows that successful couples have at least a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. But what many people miss is that it's not about avoiding negative interactions - it's about learning to repair them skillfully.
The couples who make it aren't the ones who never fight. They're the ones who have learned to fight in ways that bring them closer together.
Understanding How Your Histories Shape Your Present
Before we dive into specific curiosity practices, it's crucial to understand something: you and your partner didn't arrive in this relationship with blank slates.
Each of you carries an entire emotional history - childhood experiences, family patterns, past relationship wounds, cultural messages about love and conflict, and trauma responses that get activated in intimate relationships.
What feels like "no big deal" to you might feel deeply threatening to your partner, and vice versa. This isn't because either of you is "wrong" or "too sensitive" - it's because your nervous systems have been shaped by different experiences.
Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, explains that our attachment styles - formed in our earliest relationships - continue to influence how we perceive safety, connection, and threat in adult relationships.
This means that when your partner has a strong reaction to something, it's often not just about what happened in the moment - it's about what that moment reminded them of.
Maybe when you withdraw during conflict, it triggers their childhood fear of abandonment. Maybe when you raise your voice, it activates their trauma response from growing up in a volatile household. Maybe when you shut down emotionally, it reminds them of a parent who was emotionally unavailable.
Understanding this doesn't excuse harmful behavior, but it does create a foundation for curiosity instead of judgment.
The Art of Staying Curious During Conflict
Curiosity during conflict is both simple and revolutionary. It requires you to pause in the middle of your own emotional activation and wonder: "What's really happening for my partner right now?"
This doesn't mean abandoning your own experience or needs. It means expanding your awareness to include your partner's inner world alongside your own.
Instead of Mind-Reading, Try Wonder-Reading
We're all guilty of mind-reading in relationships: "I know exactly why you did that." "You're obviously trying to hurt me." "You don't care about my feelings."
But mind-reading is almost always wrong, and it kills curiosity.
Wonder-reading sounds different:
"I'm making up a story about why you did that. Can you help me understand what was actually happening for you?"
"When this happens, I feel hurt. I'm curious - what were you feeling in that moment?"
"I notice you seem frustrated. What's going on for you right now?"
Instead of Accusations, Try Invitations
Accusations put people on the defensive. Even when they're accurate, they create separation rather than connection.
Invitations create space for understanding:
Instead of: "You never listen to me." Try: "I'm feeling unheard right now. Can we slow down so I can share what's important to me?"
Instead of: "You're being so defensive." Try: "This conversation seems to be feeling hard for you. What would help you feel safer right now?"
Instead of: "You don't care about my feelings." Try: "I'm feeling disconnected from you. Can you help me understand what you're experiencing?"
Instead of Defending, Try Exploring
When your partner shares something that activates your defenses, your instinct might be to explain, justify, or counter-attack.
But what if you got curious instead?
"Help me understand how that felt for you."
"What did you need from me in that moment that you didn't get?"
"When I do that, what happens for you internally?"
This doesn't mean you can't share your own perspective later. But leading with curiosity creates space for both experiences to be honored.
The Radical Act of Staying Connected to Your Partner's Humanity
Here's what I want you to understand: staying curious about your partner during conflict is a radical act of love.
It's choosing to see them as a complex human being with their own fears, wounds, and needs rather than reducing them to their worst moment.
It's refusing to let your hurt close your heart to their experience.
It's recognizing that the person who can hurt you the most is also the person who needs your compassion the most.
This doesn't mean excusing harmful behavior or abandoning your boundaries. It means maintaining your ability to see your partner clearly even when you're in pain.
When you can stay curious about your partner even when you're angry, you're demonstrating something powerful: that your love is bigger than your triggers, that your commitment to the relationship is stronger than your need to be right.
How Curiosity Transforms Everyday Interactions
Curiosity isn't just for conflict - it's for daily life. The couples who stay deeply connected are the ones who remain fascinated by each other throughout the years.
They ask questions like:
"What was the best part of your day?"
"What's been on your mind lately?"
"How are you feeling about [upcoming event/situation]?"
"What do you need more of from me right now?"
"What's something you've been thinking about that you haven't shared with me?"
They notice changes in mood, energy, or behavior and get curious instead of making assumptions:
"You seem a little distant tonight. What's going on for you?"
"I noticed you've been stressed about work lately. How can I support you?"
"You seem really excited about something. Tell me about it."
This ongoing curiosity creates a foundation of connection that makes navigating conflict much easier.
Taking Responsibility Without Losing Yourself
One concern I hear from people is: "If I'm always considering my partner's feelings and reactions, aren't I walking on eggshells? Aren't I being controlled?"
This is an important distinction to make. There's a difference between being curious about your partner's experience and being responsible for managing their emotions.
Healthy curiosity looks like:
Wanting to understand your partner's inner world
Adjusting your approach based on what you learn about their needs
Taking responsibility for the impact of your words and actions
Choosing to speak and act in ways that honor your love for them
Unhealthy people-pleasing looks like:
Suppressing your own needs to avoid any negative reaction
Taking responsibility for your partner's emotions
Losing yourself in the relationship
Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict
The key difference is agency. When you choose to be curious and considerate, you're exercising your power to love well. When you feel like you have to manage your partner's emotions, you've lost your agency.
Learning how to love your partner in the way they best receive love - especially during difficult moments - isn't about control. It's about commitment. It's about saying, "I love you enough to learn how to love you better."
The Ripple Effects of Curiosity
When you begin bringing genuine curiosity to your relationship, something beautiful happens: your partner starts to feel truly seen and known.
And when people feel seen and known, they naturally become more open, more vulnerable, and more generous. Curiosity creates a positive cycle where both partners feel safer being authentic.
Your partner also begins to mirror your curiosity. When you model wondering instead of assuming, they start doing the same. When you demonstrate that it's safe to be curious during conflict, they learn that they can explore your experience without judgment too.
Over time, you build what I call "curiosity momentum" - a relationship culture where both people are genuinely interested in understanding each other more deeply.
This creates the kind of intimacy that most couples long for but don't know how to build: the intimacy of being fully known and still completely loved.
When Professional Support Can Help
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, curiosity feels impossible. Maybe past hurts have built up walls that feel insurmountable. Maybe one or both of you have trauma responses that get activated during conflict. Maybe you've tried to change these patterns on your own but keep falling back into old cycles.
This is where couples therapy can be transformative. A skilled therapist can help you understand each other's attachment styles, identify the hidden triggers that create conflict, and develop new ways of connecting during difficult moments.
Individual therapy can also be incredibly valuable for understanding your own patterns, healing past wounds that get activated in your relationship, and developing the emotional regulation skills that make curiosity possible even during stress.
Seeking support isn't a sign that your relationship is failing - it's a sign that you're committed to making it thrive.
Your Relationship Is Worth the Investment
Here's what I want you to remember: every moment you choose curiosity over assumption, wonder over judgment, or exploration over defensiveness, you're investing in the long-term health of your relationship.
You're building trust, creating safety, and deepening intimacy in ways that compound over time.
You're also modeling for any children in your life what healthy conflict looks like - showing them that it's possible to disagree and still stay connected, to be hurt and still stay loving.
Most importantly, you're creating a relationship where both people can be beautifully, imperfectly human and still feel completely loved.
Your partner isn't your enemy, even when you're fighting. They're your teammate who happens to have a different perspective, different triggers, and different needs.
When you can remember this - when you can stay curious about their experience even when you're hurt - you're creating the kind of love that lasts.
Start today. Start small. The next time you feel yourself making an assumption about your partner, pause and ask a question instead.
The next time you feel defensive, try getting curious about what they're really trying to tell you.
The next time you're in conflict, remember: this is an opportunity to understand each other more deeply.
Your relationship - and your partner - are worth the effort.
š© Ready to build deeper connection through curiosity and understanding?
Couples therapy can help you navigate conflict with curiosity, create emotional safety, and build the intimacy that comes from truly knowing each other. Book your free consultation here to explore how therapy can strengthen your relationship.
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Rae Francis is a therapist and executive life coach who specializes in helping couples build deeper intimacy through curiosity, emotional safety, and skillful conflict navigation. With over 16 years of experience working with couples, she has witnessed firsthand how curiosity can transform relationships from disconnected to deeply intimate. Through virtual therapy sessions, she combines attachment theory, emotionally focused therapy techniques, and practical communication strategies to help couples create the connected, resilient relationships they long for. If this article resonated with you and you're ready to build more curiosity and connection in your relationship, learn more about working with Rae.
