Why Do I Make Myself Small in Relationships? Understanding People-Pleasing and Emotional Self-Abandonment
I've been thinking about something that shows up in nearly every therapy session I have - this pattern of making ourselves smaller to keep others comfortable. Maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe you've caught yourself biting your tongue when you want to speak up, ignoring what you need to avoid conflict, or softening every edge of yourself until you're barely recognizable.
If this resonates, I want you to know something important: You didn't choose this pattern. You were taught it. And what was once protection has become a prison.
Let's talk about why we shrink, where it comes from, and most importantly - how to reclaim the space you deserve to take up in your own life.
Where Does People-Pleasing Come From? Childhood Origins of Making Yourself Small
Here's what I know after years of working with people who've mastered the art of disappearing: This isn't about being weak or lacking confidence. This is about survival intelligence. Somewhere in your story, you learned that your safety, your belonging, maybe even your basic needs being met, depended on how well you could read the room and adjust accordingly.
Think about it. As children, we don't just learn words - we learn the emotional language of our families. We learn whether our tears bring comfort or irritation. Whether our "no" is respected or overridden. Whether expressing our truth leads to connection or chaos.
If you grew up in a home where:
Conflict meant someone withdrawing love or attention
Your emotions were labeled "too much" or "too sensitive"
You were rewarded for being "easy" and punished for having needs
You became responsible for managing everyone else's feelings
Speaking up led to being shut down, guilt-tripped, or ignored
Then your nervous system made a brilliant adaptation: If I stay small, I stay safe. If I don't rock the boat, I won't be abandoned. If I'm easy to love, maybe I'll actually be loved.
This is the birth of what we call people-pleasing, but I think that term misses the point. You're not trying to please people for fun. You're trying to survive emotionally in relationships that taught you love was conditional.
How Attachment Styles Create Different Types of People-Pleasing Behaviors
Understanding your attachment style - the blueprint for how you learned to connect - can help explain why shrinking feels so automatic. Let me break this down:
If you have an anxious attachment style, you likely experienced inconsistent caregiving. Love was there sometimes, gone others. You learned to work overtime to keep people close, which might show up as:
Over-apologizing for having feelings
Walking on eggshells to avoid any hint of conflict
Suppressing your needs because you're terrified of being "too much"
Constantly checking in: "Are we okay? Are you mad at me?"
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you probably grew up in an emotionally dismissive environment. You learned early that expressing needs didn't get them met - it just made you vulnerable. Your shrinking might look like:
Not voicing discomfort because "what's the point?"
Minimizing your own needs ("I don't really need that anyway")
Emotionally pulling back when things get intense
Convincing yourself you're "fine" when you're definitely not
If you have a disorganized attachment style, your early environment was likely chaotic or frightening. Love and fear got tangled together. You might shrink by:
Performing emotional stability even when you're falling apart inside
Trying to be "perfect" to avoid triggering someone's anger or abandonment
Silencing your distress because it feels dangerous to express
Constantly scanning for threats to the relationship
Here's what I want you to hear: None of these patterns make you broken. They make you brilliantly adaptive. Your nervous system did exactly what it needed to do to keep you emotionally and physically safe. But what protected you then is now keeping you from the very connection you're seeking.
Signs You're Emotionally Self-Abandoning in Relationships
When we make ourselves small consistently, we're not just avoiding conflict - we're avoiding intimacy. Real intimacy requires your full presence, your authentic emotions, your actual thoughts and needs. When you're constantly editing yourself, what people are connecting with isn't really you.
I see this pattern play out in so many ways:
You say "I'm fine with whatever" but secretly have strong preferences
You agree to things that don't feel good to avoid disappointment
You apologize for having needs or taking up space
You change the subject when conversations get too real
You laugh off things that actually hurt
You prioritize everyone else's comfort over your own truth
And over time, something devastating happens: You start to lose touch with what you actually think, feel, and want. You become so good at reading other people that you forget how to read yourself.
Fear of Abandonment: What You're Really Afraid of When You Speak Up
I ask my clients this question a lot: "What are you afraid might happen if you tell the truth about what you're feeling?"
The answers usually sound like:
"They'll get angry and I can't handle conflict"
"They'll think I'm being dramatic or too sensitive"
"They'll leave and I'll be alone"
"It'll ruin everything and it'll be my fault"
"They'll stop seeing me as the 'chill' one"
But underneath all of these is the deeper terror: I'll lose love. I'll lose safety. I'll lose connection.
I get it. I really do. But here's what I've learned both personally and professionally: If a relationship only works when you're shrinking, it's not actually working. True connection can only happen when your full self gets to exist in the room.
How to Challenge Limiting Beliefs That Keep You Small
Part of healing means gently challenging the beliefs that have kept you invisible:
"If I speak up, people will leave" - Has this actually happened? Or have you been leaving parts of yourself behind to prevent something that might not even occur?
"My needs are too much" - Says who? Whose voice is this really? What would it mean to believe your needs are normal and worthy of consideration?
"Conflict will destroy the relationship" - What if healthy conflict actually creates more intimacy? What if working through differences together makes relationships stronger?
"I'm only lovable when I'm easy" - What if the people worth having in your life love you more when you're real, not less?
These beliefs feel so true because they were true in your original environment. But you're not living there anymore. You get to choose different relationships now. You get to choose people who can handle your full humanity.
How to Stop People-Pleasing: Practical Steps to Reclaim Your Voice
Unlearning this pattern isn't about becoming aggressive or demanding. It's about learning to stay present with your own experience and communicate from that place. It might look like:
Starting to notice when you're about to shrink: Your body often knows before your mind does. Maybe your chest tightens, your shoulders hunch, or you feel that familiar urge to make everything okay for everyone else.
Pausing and asking yourself: "What's true for me right now? What do I actually think about this? What do I need?"
Practicing in low-stakes situations: Start with small truths. "Actually, I'd prefer the other restaurant." "I need a few minutes to think about that." "That doesn't work for me."
Building tolerance for other people's discomfort: This is huge. Learning that someone else's disappointment, frustration, or even anger doesn't mean you've done something wrong or that you're in danger.
Finding people who can handle your full self: This might mean upgrading some relationships and letting go of others. Not everyone is equipped to love you authentically, and that's okay. That's about them, not you.
Building Emotional Safety in Relationships After People-Pleasing
Here's something important: You can't just decide to stop shrinking without creating new safety for yourself. You need relationships and environments where:
Your "no" is respected the first time you say it
You can have feelings without being made to feel wrong about them
Disagreement doesn't equal disconnection
You're valued for who you are, not what you do for others
Your boundaries aren't seen as personal attacks
Sometimes this safety comes from a romantic partner who's done their own work. Sometimes from a therapist who knows how to hold space for your full experience. Sometimes from friends who get it. Often, it starts with learning to be safe for yourself - to trust your own feelings, honor your own needs, and refuse to abandon yourself for anyone else's comfort.
Setting Boundaries vs. Keeping the Peace: Why You Can Have Both
I want to address something directly: You don't have to choose between peace and honesty. The kind of "peace" that requires your silence isn't peace at all - it's just conflict avoidance that builds resentment and distance over time.
Real peace includes your voice. It includes your needs, your boundaries, and your full presence. It's the peace that comes from knowing you can be yourself and still be loved. From knowing that the people in your life choose you because of who you are, not in spite of it.
You are not too much. You are not hard to love. You are not a disruption to be managed.
You're someone who learned to make yourself small in order to survive, and now you're learning that you can take up space and still be safe. That your voice matters. That your needs are valid. That your full presence isn't something to apologize for - it's a gift.
Overcoming Fear of Conflict: Learning Your Voice Matters
If you've been shrinking for years, speaking up might feel terrifying at first. Your nervous system might flood with panic. Your brain might tell you you're being selfish or causing problems. That's normal. It's also not the truth.
The truth is that your voice has been waiting patiently for you to remember it exists. Your needs have been sitting quietly, hoping you'll notice them again. Your authentic self has been there all along, just waiting for permission to emerge.
You don't have to shrink anymore. You don't have to make yourself smaller so others can feel bigger. You don't have to whisper through your life.
The world needs what you have to offer - all of it. Your thoughts, your feelings, your perspective, your needs, your boundaries. All of it matters. All of it belongs.
And you? You belong too. Exactly as you are. Taking up exactly the space you need.
š© Ready to stop shrinking and start showing up authentically in your relationships? Breaking free from people-pleasing patterns and learning to reclaim your voice - especially when these patterns developed as survival strategies in childhood - often benefits from professional support that honors your story while helping you build the courage to take up space. Book your free consultation to explore how therapy or coaching can help you understand your people-pleasing as the brilliant adaptation it was, heal the wounds that taught you to make yourself small, and create relationships where your full self is not just welcome, but celebrated.
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Rae Francis is a therapist and executive life coach specializing in helping people break free from people-pleasing, heal attachment wounds, and create relationships where authenticity is safe. She offers virtual therapy and coaching across the U.S., with particular expertise in understanding people-pleasing through a lens of compassion rather than weakness, helping clients heal the childhood experiences that taught them to shrink, and supporting individuals in learning that their voice, needs, and full presence matter. With over 16 years of experience, Rae combines attachment theory, trauma-informed care, somatic therapy, and relationship coaching to help clients move from emotional self-abandonment to authentic self-expression from a place of understanding and growth rather than shame and self-criticism. Whether you're struggling to speak up in relationships, working to heal from experiences that taught you to be "easy to love," or wanting to create more genuine connection by showing up as yourself, Rae creates a safe space to explore your story with compassion and develop the tools you need for lasting authenticity and emotional freedom. Learn more about her integrative approach to breaking free from people-pleasing at Rae Francis Consulting.
