From Enemies to Allies: Breaking the Us vs. Them Cycle in Relationships
Part 5 of The Ownership Approach to Relationships Series
"It's me against you." "You're the problem in this relationship." "If you would just change, everything would be fine." "I need to protect myself from you."
If these thoughts run through your head during relationship conflicts, you've fallen into the most relationship-destroying trap of all: the adversarial mindset. You're no longer partners working together - you've become enemies trying to win.
This us-versus-them dynamic is so common that most couples think it's normal. They believe conflict means someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong, someone has to win and someone has to lose. But this adversarial approach doesn't just prevent resolution - it actively destroys intimacy, trust, and connection.
The alternative? Learning to see conflict as you and your partner versus the problem, not you versus your partner.
The Hidden Adversarial Patterns
Most couples don't realize they're operating from an adversarial mindset because it often masquerades as "standing up for yourself" or "not being a doormat." But adversarial energy shows up in subtle, relationship-poisoning ways:
The Scorekeeper Pattern
What it looks like: You mentally track who's right, who's wrong, who's done more, and who owes whom.
The hidden message: "I need to prove you're the bigger problem here."
Why it's adversarial: You're focused on winning the relationship rather than winning together.
Example: "Well, I cleaned the bathroom last week, and you never remember to take out the trash, so I shouldn't have to do the dishes tonight."
The Defensive Fortress Pattern
What it looks like: Every conversation becomes about protecting yourself from being wrong, bad, or blamed.
The hidden message: "You're an attack to defend against."
Why it's adversarial: You're treating your partner like an enemy trying to harm you rather than someone trying to connect with you.
Example: When your partner says "I felt hurt when you didn't call," you immediately respond with reasons why you couldn't call instead of addressing their feelings.
The Character Prosecution Pattern
What it looks like: You focus on what's wrong with your partner's character, motivations, or personality.
The hidden message: "You're fundamentally flawed."
Why it's adversarial: You're trying to establish that you're the good person and they're the bad person.
Example: "You're so selfish" or "You never consider anyone but yourself" or "You always have to be right."
The Power Struggle Pattern
What it looks like: Every disagreement becomes a battle of wills about who gets to be in control.
The hidden message: "One of us has to dominate."
Why it's adversarial: You're competing for power instead of sharing it.
Example: Escalating arguments about minor decisions because neither person wants to "give in" or "let them win."
The Blame Assignment Pattern
What it looks like: Conflicts focus on determining fault rather than finding solutions.
The hidden message: "This is all your responsibility to fix."
Why it's adversarial: You're trying to make the problem entirely theirs to solve.
Example: "This relationship wouldn't have problems if you would just stop being so sensitive/dramatic/controlling/whatever."
The Neuroscience of Adversarial Thinking
When you operate from an adversarial mindset, your brain literally perceives your partner as a threat. Your nervous system activates fight-or-flight responses, flooding your body with stress hormones that make creative problem-solving nearly impossible.
Your prefrontal cortex goes offline: The part of your brain responsible for empathy, perspective-taking, and creative thinking shuts down.
Your amygdala takes over: The part of your brain focused on survival and threat detection becomes dominant.
You lose access to connection: Your brain stops seeing your partner as someone to connect with and starts seeing them as someone to defeat or defend against.
This is why adversarial conflicts rarely resolve anything. Your brain is literally incapable of collaborative thinking when it perceives your partner as the enemy.
The Team-Building Alternative
The ownership approach to relationships means shifting from "me versus you" to "us versus the problem." Instead of trying to win against your partner, you work together to win against whatever is creating disconnection between you.
Step 1: Identify the Real Enemy
The enemy is never your partner. The real enemies of your relationship are:
Miscommunication that creates misunderstanding
Unmet needs that create resentment
Different communication styles that create frustration
Stress from outside the relationship that gets displaced onto each other
Old patterns and habits that no longer serve you
Defensive reactions that prevent real listening
Assumptions and mind-reading that create false narratives
Instead of: "You're so irresponsible with money." Try: "We have different comfort levels with spending. How can we create a budget that works for both of us?"
Step 2: Use Collaborative Language
Language shapes reality. Adversarial language creates adversarial dynamics. Collaborative language creates partnership.
Adversarial: "You need to stop doing X." Collaborative: "What can we try differently here?"
Adversarial: "You always/never..." Collaborative: "I notice a pattern where..."
Adversarial: "Why can't you just..." Collaborative: "What would help you feel more comfortable with..."
Adversarial: "You made me feel..." Collaborative: "I felt... when... Can we talk about what happened?"
Step 3: Practice Shared Responsibility
In the ownership approach, both people take responsibility for the dynamic between them, even when one person's behavior seems more obviously "wrong."
This doesn't mean: Both people are equally at fault for every problem. This means: Both people can contribute to the solution.
Example: If your partner was late and didn't call, an ownership approach might sound like:
"I'm frustrated that you were late without calling. I also notice I tend to get really activated about time stuff because of my own anxiety. Can we figure out a communication system that works for both of us when plans change?"
Step 4: Focus on Understanding Before Being Understood
Adversarial thinking makes you fight to be right. Team-building thinking makes you curious about your partner's perspective.
Questions that build partnership:
"Help me understand your perspective on this."
"What am I missing about how you see this situation?"
"What would need to be different for this to work better for you?"
"What are you most concerned about here?"
"What matters most to you in how we handle this?"
Step 5: Look for Win-Win Solutions
Adversarial thinking assumes one person has to lose for the other to win. Team-building thinking looks for solutions where both people get their core needs met.
Instead of compromising (where both people give up something important), look for creative alternatives where both people get what they really need.
Example: One person needs more alone time, the other needs more connection time. Adversarial solution: Fight about it or compromise with each person getting less than they need. Team-building solution: Create specific times for connection and specific times for alone time, so both needs are honored rather than competed against.
The Mirror Effect in Adversarial Patterns
Remember the mirror effect from Part 2 of this series? Adversarial energy creates more adversarial energy.
When you treat your partner like an enemy, they'll often respond like one. When you approach conflict like a battle, they'll often fight back. When you focus on winning, they'll often focus on not losing.
But the mirror effect also works in reverse:
When you approach your partner like a teammate, they're more likely to respond collaboratively. When you focus on understanding, they're more likely to try to understand you. When you take ownership of your part, they're more likely to examine theirs.
Building Your Team-Building Practice
Breaking the adversarial cycle requires consistent practice, especially when you're triggered or hurt. Here are specific ways to build this skill:
The 24-Hour Rule
When you notice adversarial thoughts ("They're so selfish," "They never listen," "They're the problem"), give yourself 24 hours before acting on them. This gives your nervous system time to calm down and your prefrontal cortex time to come back online.
The Partnership Check
Before entering difficult conversations, ask yourself: "Am I approaching this like we're a team trying to solve a problem together, or am I approaching this like I need to win against them?"
The Curiosity Practice
When your partner does something that triggers you, practice getting curious instead of getting defensive:
"I wonder what's going on for them right now."
"I wonder what need they're trying to meet."
"I wonder how they see this situation."
The Solution Focus
Instead of spending energy on proving your partner wrong, spend energy on finding solutions that work for both of you:
"What would need to happen for both of us to feel good about this?"
"How can we prevent this pattern in the future?"
"What do we both need to make this work?"
When Team-Building Isn't Possible
It's important to acknowledge that building a team requires two willing participants. You can shift your own energy from adversarial to collaborative, but you can't force your partner to do the same.
The ownership approach to relationships means taking responsibility for your part of the dynamic while also being honest about what's actually possible given your partner's willingness to participate in healthy relationship patterns.
Signs your partner may not be ready for team-building:
They consistently refuse to examine their own behavior
They blame you for all relationship problems
They use manipulation, threats, or emotional abuse to win conflicts
They show contempt or cruelty toward you regularly
They have untreated addiction or mental health issues that prevent healthy relating
If you're dealing with any of these issues, individual therapy or couples counseling may be necessary before team-building approaches can work.
The Relationship You Can Create
When you successfully shift from adversarial to collaborative patterns, your relationship transforms:
Conflicts become opportunities for deeper understanding instead of battles to win.
Problems become challenges to solve together instead of evidence that someone is wrong.
Differences become interesting to explore instead of threats to defend against.
Your partner becomes your ally in creating the relationship you both want instead of an obstacle to overcome.
This doesn't mean you'll never disagree or that all conflicts will be easy. It means you'll disagree as teammates instead of enemies, and you'll have the tools to work through difficulties without damaging your connection.
The ownership approach to relationships recognizes that the dynamic between you is something you create together. When you stop trying to win against each other and start trying to win together, everything changes.
š© Ready to transform your relationship patterns? Breaking the adversarial cycle in relationships takes practice, especially when you're triggered or convinced you're right. If you're tired of feeling like you and your partner are on opposing teams, working with someone who understands relationship dynamics and the ownership approach can help you build the collaborative partnership you've been wanting. I work with individuals and couples who want to move beyond traditional "communication skills" to address the deeper patterns that create us-versus-them dynamics. Book your free therapy consultation to explore how you can start creating the team-based relationship you deserve.
š Continue The Ownership Approach Series:
Why Boundaries Don't Work: Taking Ownership in Relationships (Part 1)
What Your Partner's Behavior Is Really Telling You (The Mirror Effect Explained) (Part 2)
Why 'You Always' and 'You Never' Kill Relationships (And What to Say Instead) (Part 3)
The Ownership Apology: How to Take Responsibility Without Self-Blame (Part 4)
š Explore more in the full relationship resource library
Rae Francis is a therapist and executive coach who specializes in helping individuals break destructive relationship patterns and build healthier dynamics with their partners. With over 16 years of experience, she understands that most relationship advice focuses on surface-level communication skills rather than addressing the deeper adversarial mindsets that sabotage connection. Through virtual therapy sessions and her revolutionary "Ownership Approach," Rae helps clients recognize how they contribute to relationship dynamics, shift from defensive to collaborative patterns, and create partnerships built on mutual respect rather than power struggles. Whether you're dealing with chronic conflict, defensive communication, or feeling like you and your partner are enemies rather than allies, Rae provides specialized support for transforming relationship patterns from the inside out. Learn more about her approach to relationship therapy and coaching at Rae Francis Consulting.
